Having Cake and Eating It Too

This time it really has been far too long, I really don’t even have a reason other than the usual. Apologies. But anyway, I want to talk about something  that I’ve seen a lot of people up in arms about that is honestly starting to tork me off: the A in LGBTQAPI.

Now depending on who you talk to, the A stands for ally, usually meaning a straight person who supports the cause. But wait, shouldn’t it stand for asexual? Well yes. In fact this is the opinion of a lot of asexuals, the A stands for asexual, not ally. The argument is against asexual erasure, glossing over us in order to make straight people feel good about themselves. While I agree that asexuals shouldn’t be overlooked in these matters, I am concerned at the sometimes incredibly visious attacks on our hetero comrades.

Why are we trying to alienate people who just want to show their support? We need people on our side, especially the preciois few of us that there are. Yes, ultimately this issue is something that needs to be addressed and handled by people of the alphabet soup persuasion. But as I understand it, other letters in said soup have multiple meanings. The G stands for both gay and gender queer and, the Q for both queer and questioning. So my question is, why can’t the A have two meanings too?

So this was a short post, but its really all I had to say on the subject. If you have other opinions, let me know!

TV Land: The Spider

So sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I fully intend to soon I promise! But this should tide you over for now, because we have a confirmed asexual character on TV!

Lord Varys, Game of Thrones, US – Like I said, this is a confirmed ace sighting people! Now granted, the term “asexual” is never said BUT, allow me a moment to frame the series for you, if you don’t watch it. Game of Thrones is based off of a book series by George R R Martin, and it is very, very hot right now. It is a fantasy series set in a fictional land called Westeros, which is currently at war with itself as its occupants witness the titular “game of thrones” being played by several different people vying to rule. Lord Varys is a spymaster who lives in the capital city, but has “birds” everywhere. While having a discussion with another character, Oberon Martell (who is bisexual), he is asked if he prefers boys. He shakes his head no, and Oberon admits that he is surprised to find that Varys prefers girls. Varys responds that he desires neither. He then goes on to talk about how this allows him to focus while pursuing power, but I had kind of stopped caring at that point. I should note that Varys is a eunuch, however they were discussing his preferences before his castration, so it is of little consequence. I hope you guys like this as much as I did, and I will talk to you soon, I promise!     

STOP THE PRESSES

Guys. Guys. GUYS. I was taking a normal, everyday, casual scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and I clicked on this little gem:

http://www.policymic.com/articles/88029/17-lies-we-need-to-stop-teaching-girls-about-sex?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social

These are the sorts of articles that usually catch my interest, and this one was pretty promising. Right off the bat it gave a nod to the LGBTQetc. community so I was like, ok, these guys are bros. sweet. BUT THEN.

I got all the way to number 17 and not only was the heading “Everyone’s doing it” (The title of the article being “Lies We Need to Stop Teaching Girls About Sex”) it said “Some people don’t have much of an interest in sex at all.” OK. So asexuality is implied right? IT GETS BETTER. They included a link for AVEN, directly to the home page.

I cannot express the excitement I feel right now. I honestly can’t.

The rest of the article is a pretty good read, obviously it has women’s interests in mind but it does give a few nods to unfair male expectations and stereotypes. So basically this article is the best thing to grace my computer screen in a very long time.

 

TV Land: The Queen

Hey guys, following on the heels of my last post I bet that the subject of this one will be really hard to guess. While this is technically not a tv show, I’m taking all that I can get so, you know, roll with it.

Elsa, Frozen, US – So I kinda went into this in my previous post, if you feel that I miss anything check out “Unfrozen” and it might clue you in. Any way. Elsa is the newly crowned queen of Arendelle who has been hiding a magical ability that allows her to freeze things and create ice/snow/frost out of the air. Her secret is revealed accidentally on the day of her coronation and she runs from the palace to protect herself and her sister from her out-of-control powers. eventually she nearly kills her sister but all is made right by the end as she controls her ability with the power of love and returns to the throne. What I find to be a possible tip-off about Elsa’s sexuality is the she never has a partner in the film, romantic or otherwise. She takes the throne by herself (go feminism!) without any hint of arranged marriage, doesn’t appear to be dancing with anyone at her coronation ball, and seems perfectly satisfied at the idea of spending the rest of her days alone in her ice-palace with only her own snow/ice creations to keep her company. By the end of the film she still doesn’t seem to have been paired off with anyone, and still seems perfectly ok with it. I don’t know about you guys, but until they make a sequel that says otherwise, I’m calling this one. I gladly welcome the first asexual female character to this list.

Any and all thoughts, feelings, arguments, criticisms, or conspiracy theories are welcome. Please comment!

Unfrozen

*Warning* This post contains spoilers for the animated film Frozen, read at your own risk!

Hello again, isn’t it nice when I post consecutively like this? Any way, what I want to talk about is very exciting to me because I don’t get to do it very often. I want to discuss a current film that is also a Disney movie that I feel just took a big, asexy step forward.

Everyone knows when they sit down to watch a Disney movie that there is going to be some sort of plot that will involve a problem arising that will eventually be solved by the power of true love, usually necessitating a kiss. Which is why I was very pleasantly surprised by the end of of Frozen, Disney’s newest full-length animated film that blew the top off of the box office and just won an academy award.

It starts off in a very typical manner with Anna singing about finding The One at a one-day-only opening of the palace for her older sister Elsa’s coronation. Then she (literally) runs into Hans, a very nice and handsome prince from a neighboring kingdom. He sweeps her off her feet in a cute duet by the end of which he has proposed marriage and she has accepted. So far so typical. But this is where the usual plot comes to a screeching halt. Elsa refuses to grant the pair’s request on the basis that they haven’t been acquainted for more than 24 hours yet. THANK YOU. Finally, my number one beef with Disney movies is confronted.

Oh it gets better. Another character, Kristoff, tells Anna the same thing her sister did about marrying Hans later in the movie. Something along the lines of are-you-freaking-kidding-me-you-just-met-the-guy-why-on-earth-would-you-marry-him. Turns out that Kristoff and Elsa were right as Hans is really trying to use Anna to get some kind of throne as he is 13th in line for his. We find this out when Anna is in danger of freezing solid and needs an act of true love to thaw her heart. which is assumed to be a kiss, because that’s totally logical.

So when Hans doesn’t work out, we switch to Kristoff who, having realized that something is wrong is racing back to save Anna, though how he thinks he can do that I don’t know because he also has known Anna for less than a day. But it turns out that I don’t have to go on a rant about this film turning on it’s own logic because the act of true love that saves Anna’s life ends up being her sacrificing herself to save her sister from Hans.

That’s right. Disney went for the sibling love over I-just-met-you-but-it-has-to-be-true love’s kiss saving the day. I don’t know if it’s Pixar’s influence or if they took more material from The Snow Queen than I realize but well done. I would also like to point out that any romantic entanglements involved had to do with the younger sister and no fuss at all was made about Elsa taking the throne as a single woman, go Disney go! Stay tuned for a post all about Elsa, I feel another TV Land coming on.

So while this really can’t be counted as a victory for only asexuals, I’m taking what I can. Because let’s face it, this is pretty different for Disney, who hasn’t really changed their formula in, like, ever.

Quick addition here, I failed to mention (and I don’t know how because it’s exactly in line with the entire theme of this post) that Johnathan Goff is an openly gay actor who starred in Spring Awakening on Broadway and is currently starring in HBO’s Looking. And he is the voice of Kristoff, who essentially functions as the prince in this story (after the real one didn’t work out). Another big step for Disney, well done.

Comment if you want, I would also recommend the movie, it’s pretty good.

Differences

Hey guys, long time no see! Sorry about that, excuses, yadda yadda, etc. As usual, I had a brain-blast and have decided to share it with y’all ‘cus why not. What I want to talk about today is something that I realized about myself while thinking about a completely different topic from asexuality, so please bear with me.

I was talking with my parents, who have recently started a Facebook account, about how my classes were going this semester and the subject of my GPA came up. More to the point, that I had received my grades for the previous semester and had (deliberately) neglected to mention to them what I had gotten. Of course, once the subject was broached I had no choice but to tell them that I had received a 4.0. Wait, what? Why am I hiding the fact that I got good grades from my parents? Because my father’s immediate reaction was to congratulate me and tell me that, if he knew how to, he would make a post about it on Facebook. I told him that he wasn’t allowed to because he was friends with too many of my friends.

Again, let’s back up. Why am I trying to hide my good grades from my friends? I know that this particular group also get good grades. In fact I happen to know one of them has gotten a 4.0 for two consecutive semesters. I know that they would congratulate me if they knew, so why am I actively hiding the fact; telling them that I have a “thing” when I go to a celebratory dinner hosted by the director of the Honors College?

Perhaps I should address this from a different angle. Why did I feel cornered and guilty when a person from a different friend group (they still get good grades, just not as high) got me to admit my GPA and that I was in the Honors College?And why did I feel cornered again when they revealed this fact to the other people in the group? I immediately felt the need to be on the defensive, which was utterly ridiculous because none of them seemed to have any kind of malicious intent. I felt more stress in that situation than I did when I was outed to that group by a (well-meaning but oblivious) friend. What gives?

It’s not like this is a new thing. I was reluctant to discuss my grades in high-school as well, and my friends with high grades show a similar preference in keeping their grades close to their vest. One of them outright refuses to discuss their grades with anyone, and this is the same person who has received at least two 4.0s that I know of.

For the most part my reluctance stems from a desire to not make other people uncomfortable. Ostensibly that is. My recent revelation made me think again. Maybe what’s really happening is that I don’t want to brand myself as different. By telling people about my academic accomplishments, I am marking myself as higher than average, above the cut, cream of the crop, and however else you want to put it. Maybe I think that by having this information, people will look at me differently, or judge me on a different level. And maybe, this same concept applies to coming out.

Consider why it seems to be so much more difficult to come out to people who have known you for a while versus someone you just met (for me at least). Coming out to a new person doesn’t change you in their eyes so much as give them a new piece of information about you. When it’s someone you’ve been acquainted with for a while, you are actively changing their view of you by coming out to them. This is the main reason why I am out to almost all of my college friends  and almost none of my high school friends. I don’t want to disrupt their image of me, even if it’s wrong. A lie by omission is still a lie, no matter the intent behind it.

I would love to hear your input on this, please comment!

Simple Math

Hello everyone! I just had an epiphany that I want to get out of my head so this will be an exceedingly  short post. Fair warning, it involved me doing math so, you know, watch out.

Now it is a commonly quoted statistic that asexuals make up one percent of the population, which sounds like a very small number. BUT I got to thinking, what is the actual world population? As of today it is roughly 7,202,550,700 people. Now if my math is correct, which is highly questionable but no matter, 1% of that number is 72,025,507. That means that, theoretically and statistically, there are seventy-two million, twenty-five thousand, five hundred and seven asexuals out there in this big wide world.

To provide a semi-break-down by some countries, that’s:

46,540.57 in Ireland,

233,588.52 in Taiwan,

235,002.95 in Australia,

353,623.70 in Canada,

470,323.47 in Spain,

610,556.18 in Italy,

633,200 in the UK,

644,724.16 in France,

826,797.55 in Germany,

1,230,948.15 in Mexico,

1,270,885.67 in Japan,

1,426,769.87 in Russia,

3,213,826.88 in the good ol’ US of A,

12,601,045.76 in India,

and finally 13,898,841.9 in China.

Whew. Now that is a bit more than I was expecting. Nice to know there are more of you out there. Now if only I could find one in real life….

That’s all for now, and in case anyone’s curious, this is the site I got the numbers from:

http://www.geohive.com/earth/population_now.aspx

The Kid Corner

Today I want to talk about something that isn’t so much about asexuality, but sexualization in the media. When I say talk, I really kinda mean rant because this particular subject just riles me up. The subject of this post is how children are sexualized in the media.

Now, I don’t mean in a pedophile way, I just mean in general made subliminally more sexual. For example, if there is a film with children of the opposite sex as protagonists, there will probably be a hint of romantic tension, and possibly a kiss. Usually if the kids are under 10 the kiss is on the cheek, but after that it’s probably a lip lock. I mean some of these children haven’t hit puberty yet for goodness sake!

There is also a tendency to dress kids in movies or ads in modern styles of clothing. The problem is that these styles are popular with somewhat older people and are sometimes not necessarily the most appropriate thing for someone that age to be wearing. Makeup is a thing with girls as well, I’ve seen banners in some children’s stores advertising dress-up with little girls, definitely under the age of 10, in full makeup.That and parents piercing their infant’s ears. And don’t get me started on beauty pageants for little kids, things like that disgust me.

Putting kids in these kind of images is a big problem because kids see them as “cool” or whatever, and strive for that image. And the scary part is stores comply. I think leggings as pants are fine, just, you know, not on a five-year-old. Seeing a little girl wearing makeup and heels (under an inch but still!) saddens me to an extent that I can’t express. And boys are learning from a young age to sexualize and objectify girls from these images and characters.

Seeing kids on T.V. and in films having romantic goals and agendas can also be damaging; it sends the message that girls and boys can’t be “just friends” or that “everyone” has a first kiss before they reach high school. I mean talk about pressure! The worst part is that people are still shocked when teenagers get pregnant, because sex-ed hasn’t been able to catch up to the media. In my high-school we didn’t really get down to the knitty-gritty until about 9th grade, and I was in the advanced science class. Children have been getting sexualized messages since their parents first sat them in front of a screen or took them shopping, 10th grade is wayyyy too late to start trying to educate.

This is the stage where I must point out that I am not advocating to “shield the innocence” of our children. Kids aren’t stupid, in fact they are remarkably observant and usually pick up more than we give them credit for. They also tend to experiment; of course they kiss each other, they’re curious. And I am not saying that sex-ed should be more sensitive, in fact I would say the opposite. My parents educated me about sex from a very early age and I think personally the knowledge has been nothing but beneficial to me. The point I’m trying to get across is kids are being “matured” by adults in the media business and this is incredibly detrimental.

We as asexuals know that everything revolves around sex, and what these characters and ads are doing is making that true for a younger audience. These movies and such are where the seeds are sown for societal expectations that put pressure on people to rate, date, and mate. Kids are being trained to evaluate based on appearance, expect a sexual progression of events, and in general the ground-work for social pressures to kiss, lose virginity, etc. is being laid. Not only is this making it more difficult for asexuals and other non-heterosexuals to realize their differences, it also places a heavy weight of expectation on them that is most of the reason us aces are struggling against the current right now. Worst of all these expectations are damaging to all kids, not just aces.

We as a society need to step back and take a look at what we are putting out into the extremely absorbent minds of our youth and evaluate what it is we are going to do about it.

That about covers it, sorry if you got some rant on you. I didn’t mention any specifics in this but I will be happy to provide examples of what I’m talking about if you want them. Your thoughts, as always, are welcome.

The Moment of Truth

What I want to talk about today is kind-of related to my last post, insofar as it is about phrasing and word-choice. We’ve all read/heard/seen that one interview or auto-biography, “I knew I was gay when…” Yes I realize this will have to be converted slightly for asexuality, and this may seem a bit nit-picky but stay with me.

The thing that bothers me about this phrase is that it gives the wrong impression, in my opinion. I really don’t think it gets across the true feeling, or what the person knows to be the real feeling behind the story. People who are not hetero will understand, but I don’t think this phrase properly conveys what it needs to to the straight people out there. They don’t have to think abstractly about their sexuality, or they didn’t have to do so to realize they were “different” because we live in a heteronormative culture.

The phrase “I knew I was ____ when…” doesn’t get the feeling of the *click* across. The sudden understanding that you can put words to how you feel, and more importantly that other people feel it too. This is completely different from the moment of understanding that you are, in fact, different from the people that surround you. That is a far more terrifying moment. The instant when you can put a name to what you are is the instant you are filled with relief, not so when you know you are an outsider but have no frame for it.

If I may say, this moment is worse of asexuals. There is a much larger presence for LGB out there, so their first flash of understanding is most likely followed very closely with having a name for it. For asexualas, not only does it usually take longer for the realization to hit, it can lead to a long period of time in which the person feels very much alone in their “abnormality”.

Laying aside my beef with the fact that anyone should have to realize that they are “different” (heteronormative culture really gets under my skin), in my opinion this phrase is part of the problem. People who haven’t had a moment like that themselves will nod politely, but they won’t UNDERSTAND, which is the important part. Of course, I really don’t know how one would phrase it so that they would, so the problem continues.

Decidedly an exercise in futility, I apologize for that particular brain worm. As always, suggestions and comments are welcome!

Choices

This post is going to be about a very important distinction that I feel needs to be made, and it’s something that us aces and a lot of the rest of the LGBTQAP community gets slammed on. This post is going to be about the decision to label oneself something that doesn’t fit within a heteronormative culture. For the sake of ease, I’m only going to refer to individuals who are asexual, but I am perfectly aware that this is a problem for a lot of other people.

One of the most common and unfortunate opinions that aces run up against is that the non-conforming individual in question has a choice in being how they are. Like they have decided to “act out” or “draw attention to themselves” by claiming to be asexual. Yes, we would like attention, but not in the way this obviously uninformed person is thinking. Their mistake is in believing that sexual orientation is something that can be determined by someone, that we can choose what kind of sexual attraction we experience. Of course, usually this person is heterosexual and therefore a part of the “norm”, and has taken for granted their attraction preferences the same way that cisgendered people take for granted their gender identity. (Cisgendered, for those of you who don’t know, is essentially the opposite of transgendered, i.e., you identify as the gender you are born as.)

Now, we all know that “choosing” our sexuality or the having the ability to change it is a crock of buffalo bagels. But I would like to point out that we do, in fact, have a choice. Our choice is in what we call ourselves. We can choose to call ourselves asexual, to label ourselves something that is not the norm. We can change that label at any time to suit our needs: gray-a, aromantic, homoromantic, etc. are all tools that help us explain and identify and LABEL who we ARE. The important distinction is that we can change the label, what we call ourselves, but we cannot change what we stick the label on.

Kind of a short post, but then I just wanted to get that thought out of my head. Comment if you feel like it.